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I've yet to fully understand or blog about the difficulties of working in a location that on the surface seems completely woman-friendly, yet deep down still maintains sexist roots. I'm still not completely sure how to judge my boss, as a sexist pig or just a typical boss.
A recent situation make it even more difficult to separate work, friendships, feminism and attitudes. Even worse to determine if what I was seeing was sexism maybe even sexual harassment in action or a simply a stupid joke. In my workplace nothing is simple and sides are never easy to choose.
What occurred was that one night one of my co-workers complained that the contractors who were remodeling the store kept staring at her breasts and checking out every girl that worked in the store. I couldn't really do much about this unless they were being extremely obvious or made a comment which they did not do. So I went on doing other things I needed to get done. While I was working in customer service, this co-worker starts talking to our computer guy who usually only comes in late at night or early in the morning. Lately he also had been working on the remodel. She starts telling him about how the contractors were staring at her "tits". He comments that they should have been staring at her ass. My co-worker stomps off.
I'm now supposed to sort everything out between them because I'm the on the floor manager, I witnessed the whole thing, so it is "my job". Honestly if I didn't know the two of them the job would be easy. He was out of line. Simple.
Only problem is that I do know both of them. I know that my co-worker constantly talks about her huge behind and jokes about it with everyone. I also know she enjoys making mean jokes about our computer guy. She also thinks for some odd reason she can tell him what to do. Not that it puts the computer guy on the right side. He was drinking on the job (which he thinks is ok after working under our store owner for 10+ years) so I don't know. Maybe he is a complete jerk.
So I talk to both of them. He says he didn't mean anything by it of course in hind sight shouldn't have said anything and was sorry. She said she was completely offended.
The next day when I happen to mention the incident my store manager is in the room. "Was it really something I should talk to him about...or?". That "or?" being that my co-worker is considered a huge drama queen. In that moment feminism flies under the rug, friendship collapses and I jump to defend the computer guy. "I don't really think he meant it they way she took it", I said, "and I already talked to him about it". The store owner then comes into the room and into this conversation, "oh yeah, he already told me about it." He whispers to me something in reference to my 19 year old co-worker having a crush on our 50 something computer guy. For some reason I laugh.
I don't know why I laughed or why I defended him. Or why I felt like in that moment that my co-worker cried wolf. Maybe there is something more going on.
Maybe I just really hate my co-worker for creating drama, bitching about everything, not doing her job, ditching me when we were supposed to go to dinner together. Maybe I kind of even hate her for making blanket statements about older men dating younger women when I have done just that. Of course she knows nothing about my past and very little about me dating someone 11 years older then me. But it bothers me that she feels comfortable judging other people. So much for friendship.
And maybe in some odd way I actually like the computer guy. He's my punching bag. I can say mean, horrible, evil jokes to him and he takes my b/s, my immaturity and my attitude without even really being mean back. Part of me enjoys that he acts like a 12 year old and a grouchy old man all rolled into one. At least he is interesting which is more then I can say for most of the people I work with.
The moral of this story is that when the situation presented itself I fell into every blaming the victim trap I possibly could. The situation was inappropriate and the computer guy did say the wrong thing. I just didn't want to believe it or deal with the situation.
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People can do really kind things and be horribly misogynistic about it. On the flip side, they can horrible things that almost flatter the gender scales. Feminism and interpersonal relationships bump heads on a daily basis, and sometimes it's tough to side with your heart without throwing your ethics out with the bathwater. Somewhere, there's always a terribly awkward, untested social medium where you can indulge your personal favoritisms while remaining firm on your feminist stance. It just requires a lot of extra communication and making people uncomfortable... which is a shit-ton harder than just giving a laugh and moving on with life, which I admit I do a lot of the time. Shit's tangled.
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