It may not be paradise but it has got to be close!

I am very pleased to write that yesterday I finally made the move into my new home! I can't describe how nice it was to wake up this morning and realise that first of all I could not hear yelling and screaming, I was not expected to get up to make everyone breakfast, and I was waking up, which meant I actually slept for more than an hour and without any nightmares at all!

To feel safe again, after so many nights of fearing to close my eyes, to allow myself to fall asleep because I could not trust that the people I lived with would not let danger walk through the door and welcome him into my room, to feel safe again was a truely amazing feeling.

The move itself was one big drama after another, but I enjoyed every little minute of taking my things out of that house, putting them into the truck and driving down the street not looking back once. Although I did forget to take my poor goldfish, so they will be rescued tomorrow when noone is home. I think they will be okay though, as they live in the glass bubble I wish I had had around me when I lived there.

As strange as it this may sound, it was nice to smile again, and mean it. I wasnt returning a smile, and I wasnt smiling for a picture, I was just happy, and that felt really good and really odd at the same time. It was nice to know I still had that in me.

I know very well, that this move does not change everything. I still have to see the man who raped me often, I still have to deal with the aftermath of that everyday. But at least it changes something. Although I used to roll my eyes everytime someone said it to me, I now understand why everyone who found out about my abuse kept advising me to take baby steps, one thing at a time, instead of the huge leaps I was trying to take to get out of the space I am in. The baby steps take a lot longer, but I am enjoying the little bit of strength I feel everytime I do something pro active, like this move. The pain is still there, very much so, but at least I woke up smiling today.