The calm before the storm

It has been such a long time since I could go to bed feeling so safe, that now that I have that security, that knowledge that I am safe, I don’t know what to do with it. How, after all that time do I just close my eyes and know no one will be waiting for me to do so. For me to be so stupid, so lazy in protecting myself, closing both of my eyes and letting my guard down for even a second, feels not only luxurious, but also very very dangerous. I trained myself to be constantly aware of what is going on around me at all times of the day and night. I hear every little noise, I hear the sea, I hear car doors shutting quietly, I hear the wind pick up ever so slightly and each time it does, I look toward my bedroom door.

I am safe in my new place. I know that. However, I am just not feeling it. I know that a lot of this is my own guilt I feel about being raped so many times, and the rest. I feel like those times, I was not doing enough, I turned around at the wrong time or I did not run away when I saw the shadows move across the street.

Now that I am safe, it feels so unreal I am waiting for my abuser to come back and hurt me. To be waiting when I finish work, when I go to sleep, when I am simply not ready for him. So I am always ready. Even when I really know, I don’t need to be.

How do I feel safe now? It's not over. Sure, I am not being hurt anymore, but I still hurt so so much. How do I train myself not to be constantly waiting for everything to come crashing back down to where I was just a few weeks ago? How do I unlearn everything I have had to teach myself in order to survive, just so that I can sleep tonight? It all just does not seem real, or right. It is all just so unfair.