Loving the enemy

We were not together for a long time, only a few months, but I loved him. And, I thought he loved me I guess. Nick and I were a good team in the beginning, we both loved many of the same things, he was supportive of me with my health problems and of my sometimes insane family. But it didn't last as long as I thought, and hoped it would. Nick changed the moment I told him I was a survivor; he thought it was something that meant I was ill, or damaged, or sick. I know these things are tough on the people we love, so I gave it as much time as he needed, but the Nick I knew never came back. He started to get really violent, and hit me, and keep me from going out with other people, my friends, because he said I was not well. But for whatever reason I still loved him even when he hurt me.

I have no idea why I love him still, after all that has happened, I guess I have seen the best in him which I hope will come back one day, but I have also seen the worst and waiting around for the good to come back, when I know how bad he can get, is just too much of a risk. And that kills me.

So I moved. I moved away from him, I didn't talk to him for weeks, I didn't tell him where I was going, and things started to fall back into place and I started to forget about him a little bit each day. Well, he found me, and he's back. He has been coming over, mad as usual, getting violent with me again. And all the old feelings I had for this guy are back. I love him. But, this time I am not letting it happen again. I called the police yesterday when he would not leave, and they forced him to leave. It was one of the hardest things I have done. It seemed so cruel to call the police on someone I truly love with my whole heart, and stand on the front step watching his face as they take him away.

I know I did the right thing. I know I will be safer the further away from me he is, and I know that eventually I will stop loving him the way I do now. But I think I have to learn how to love myself first, which is the biggest challenge in all of this.