Why cant it just go faster?

As the new year gets closer I have found myself becoming nervous about what next year is going to be like for me. In a way, I am excited because I know that next year there is not going to be abuse waiting for me around every corner, because finally, he is gone. But I don't want to allow myself to be too hopeful for next year, not after this one. This year has been painfully long and hard, and I have made a lot of changes in my life, many for the good. But yet, here I am with a brand new year just a couple of days away, and I cant even let myself look forward to it.

I keep being told that each day after the abuse is supposed to get easier, but each day I wake up feeling as though maybe I should be hurt that day because I woke up late, or because I spilt coffee, just small, stupid things that I do, I don't know how to deal with those. I am not getting hurt or yelled at anymore for those, so why do I feel like I almost need that? Everyday is so confusing. Conversations with other people are just a blur where I go around and around in circles about the same things, the same issues, talking about everything we have discussed a thousand times because I don't know what else to talk about without bursting into tears. I know the new year wont take that away, I know it is also silly to wish for such a thing, but I really really do.

Why is healing such a slow process? It's over now, I should be feeling better by now. I should at least be able to sleep through the night without nightmares and anxiety attacks nearly every night. I feel like I am a big drag on everybody because I am stuck in this space of not knowing when to ask them to help me and when what I am asking of them, they can't really help me with. My new counselor is great, she has called me, even though she is on her break this week, almost everyday (this week was a tough one). Right now she is almost my only friend around here.

I feel stupid for being so alone and feeling this way, and with that comes the feelings that I should be hurt for it, thats just the way things always were. I hate feeling so lost. Am I going crazy here?