Isolation

Somewhere over the last couple of years I earned myself the nickname "gypsy". I get it, I can't stay in one place, I like the rush of visiting a new city, standing in a crowd of a million people with the knowledge that not one of them knows anything about me, I like being invisible there, at least during the day, but then in the early hours of the morning in some run down hostel I always end up laying awake wondering how I can stop the feeling of isolation from ripping me apart. I don't get it.

Being alone has been a norm for me since I was a kid, I was always the loner in my family, and it seems to me that the more I expressed myself, and stood up for myself, the more isolated I became, some of that I cherish and some of it I hate. Feminism is one of those things, it can be isolating, it can be hard to express for fear of isolation, for me anyway. Especially in a community which supports abuse against women and pretty much encourages silence. In lots of ways I love it because it is an instant separator between me and them. People who I don't want to know or befriend or even try to convince that I have a voice in this damn community and I should be able to use it when I want to, and how I want to.

Not so long ago I ran in the university election to be Women’s Representative, and although every Woman I know on campus said they voted for me, there was apparently a "problem with counting", so they gave the position, and every other position on the board to Men. Of course I kicked up a fuss, not about not getting the position, but that it should at least be a Women, and that there should be some Women on the board, at least half in my opinion but really I would settle for one. This never got me anywhere other than being taunted by male students on campus for a good 3 weeks post election. All of a sudden I was that crazy feminist girl; all of a sudden I was alone in it all again. I don't regret it.

With this whole new drama of an unplanned pregnancy on my shoulders I am feeling the isolation even stronger. I wish I had someone I could just crumble onto and they would be able to help me with this, or at least to hear me, someone who could just be here in this. I am so thankful for you all here, but sometimes it would be a good thing to have someone in person, you know?

I feel so alone. I am alone. I wish that this was something I could just kick up a fuss about like with the election, I would take the 3 weeks of isolation and taunting over this last week of fear, gladly. This is my own mistake, and that just sucks.