My life, My body

Just lately I have been trying to perform a whole bunch of turn around's in my life, I guess an easier way to say that is I have been reviewing my flaw's (which sounds terrible, but it has been anything but, more therapeutic than anything else). One thing that has come out of this is that I am at my best, happiest and most inspired when I am not living in New Zealand, and was at my most happiest when I moved to Canada for a whole year, even though that also involved a whole lot of regrouping and dealing with the stuff I left behind, which was not a lot of fun, but it was necessary to say the least.

That said, I think part of why I am never happy in New Zealand and I don't achieve all that I want to while I am here is because I totally set myself up for that, almost so that it excuses my want of leaving this place, perhaps permanently. I don't need an excuse really; there are plenty, some of whom I still have to see daily.

Talking about things that I can do to fix my own life is empowering to me, where it used to be a huge drag, because quite frankly I didn't see why I had to do any work at all, perhaps this comes with age, I don't know.

This morning I discovered that I am pregnant. This is not something I have planned or want, and I have made it pretty clear in previous entries here that I do not intend to have children of my own, especially not now with all I am doing to fix my own life I don’t need to drag a kid around the world with me trying to find whatever I am looking for to heal myself, that just isn’t fair. I am also in the process of trying to get sober, which is not really happening as easily as I expected (but when does anything happen that way), and I just really want to take back my body and really feel like me, as a whole, for once, rather than this detached spirit watching my own life, like I have been for so long. I don't feel guilty about my decision not to keep this baby, so this is not me trying to justify my decision.

My body is the one thing I really own, that I never really felt like I owned ever before. Most of my life it has been abused, by other or by me filling it with drugs and trying not to feel it as a part of me, hating it. But this decision is me taking control of it for once; I really don’t want and don’t need to be a mother right now. What I need to do right now is get sober, get some real friends behind me, and get some of my shit sorted out so that I can process all of what happened. I know I write about what happened here a lot, to be honest that is because it consumes so much of my life, so much of each day while I am trying to work and study and everything else, it is a lot to carry around with me. So I apologize if it gets old, it does for me too.

Anyway, that’s all from me, I am sorry for the short break form blogging over my way, obviously I have had a lot on my plat recently, but I am happy to say that I think I am getting a hang of things now, and each day I feel a little bit more empowered.