Relationships and vulnerability

Me again.

So here's the thing... I have just entered into a new relationship with a guy I have known for a long time, a good friend of mine who I lost touch with for a few years and just met up with again recently. It is good, for once, it is really good. We get along great and all, and things have been going at the right pace for me and he is respectful of that... the problem is he is going to want to know why I am the way I am... e.g. abuse issues. I don’t want to talk to him about it. It is so not that I don’t trust him, because I really do, but every time I have done this with a guy in the past he has either been really put off by it, or he has started to abuse me just the same way as if that’s like a free pass to do so.

He is also going to wonder why the only time I ever will sleep with him is when I am drunk which is just a cocktail for disaster really, and does not help with my plan to stay sober. I have noticed myself starting to push him away already, unintentionally, but just because I am afraid that it will all get ruined if he really knows who I am. I don't want him to think I am keeping things from him, but my counsellor thinks that I need to be honest about it if I want to be in a relationship. Bleh!

I ALWAYS do this, where I pick apart every little bit of a relationship before it even really gets going and convince myself that ending it is much better than just opening up. I don’t want to be vulnerable again, and that will make me so. I know, more rant, but this stuff is SO hard and is consuming so much of my life right now. I can’t be like this forever; maybe it is time to learn how to be vulnerable without feeling so guilty about it. Meh. Who knows?