I'm sorry if this post is a bit personal, but it has been swirling in my head for weeks now, and is part of why I have been MIA, so here it is:

My big brother and I have always been good friends, despite what stood between us, namely our parents, and the fact that most of my life he lived at my Dad's house with my older sister and I lived with Our Mum. He is only three years older than me, so being so close in age we were always pretty close and I spent much of my childhood following behind him begging him to let me play (which now I realise must have been highly annoying, but what are younger sisters for?).

Sadly, there is a lot that happened in his life that could have all been avoided if it was not for my situation, which we have never discussed right untill this day. When I used to come and stay at my dads house we shared a room, my brother and I, as I was only a every second weekend visitor (his partner did not allow all three of us to live there, so I got the short straw with visits), this was the house the man who abused me also lived in, and this was the bedroom he used to come and take me from when I was a child.

As a teenager my brother dropped out of school at 13, and by 18 was in prison for a number of offences, mostly to do with drugs, which I have to say was one of the hardest things I have ever been through. Anyway, I was having a conversation with an old friend of his at a party the other night, who was around during that time, and apparently all of that was because my brother was upset about not helping me. He was only a kid when it happened, so how could he? I don't blame him, and I so wish he had not blamed himself for what a horrible human being did.

This whole thing kill's me. Since he went to prison, I have barely seen him, I don't really know what he is like anymore, and I miss him. But I guess me staying away is the best thing for him, which is just so hard.

I do however feel a little bit better holding this knowledge, which might sound terrible, but it brings me one step closer to really feeling like what happened was not just me back then, it wasnt me dreaming or pretending like the rest of my family like to think. It was real, unfortunatly. But I can't help but grieve for my big brother, and that he really lost his childhood as well because of me. It astounds me how one horrible person can impact so many people from abusing just one, I wish our justice system could take all of that into account when they encounter abusers, I really do.