Spring

September is here, and that means it is spring time in New Zealand. I have not really spent much time in New Zealand over the last two years, and as much as I have tried to resist enjoying my time here, with the changing season I have also noticed myself starting to refer to it as home once again. Each day I have spent here since being back from overseas I have been making an effort to reconnect with this country and the people here who I left without looking back two years ago, especially the Women in my life.

When I left high school I made the mistake of moving out of home and finding a place with my best friend and her boyfriend. This may sound nice, but I now understand why people often tell you not to move in with friends, but that is a story for another day. Leaving home however was fantastic. I worked at the market everyday after school to save up enough cash to get out of the town I lived in and move myself into the city, hoping to disappear into a new life there but I guess the tides don’t change that fast, and I quickly found myself completely isolated, even though I was surrounded by thousands of people. So I left and went overseas.

I never told most of my girl friends that I was leaving, and I never told most of them when I got back. It seemed easier this way and I thought that with the distance maybe some of the bad parts of my relationships with them would fade away also. Now that I have been back for a while, I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out why I pushed them so far away from me in the years before I left, and I have become increasingly aware that I find the closeness I have with them quite frightening. It’s like people visiting me from a past life and they way they can look at me and without me saying a word, they know what I am feeling, a quality I have not found in many Men.

In many ways I love this, but in many ways I feel like I can’t live this double life that I enjoy so much, I can’t just take off all the time without feeling like this huge part of me has been left here. It is something I should embrace the way I embrace my relationships with the Women here at the AGA, not fear.

So with spring changing everything around me, replenishing the earth after winter, I plan to come out of hibernation and try to embrace the friendships I have with the Women in my life, and try to change also. Yay for new Beginnings!