I made my choice: for that, I'm sorry

Today I dropped the charges against my rapist. I just can't deal with all of that right now. I know I have let alot of you down by doing this, and for that I feel terrible, and I am sorry.

I did it because I he has moved now, he has gone, and it's over. I didn't want revenge on him, I just wanted it to be over for good. It was in no way the easiest option to take, I didnt do it because I thought it would fix everything straight away. I know better than that. But I do understand that my decision has let many people down, who wanted me to win this. I never wanted to do that, and I'm sorry.

Loving the enemy

We were not together for a long time, only a few months, but I loved him. And, I thought he loved me I guess. Nick and I were a good team in the beginning, we both loved many of the same things, he was supportive of me with my health problems and of my sometimes insane family. But it didn't last as long as I thought, and hoped it would. Nick changed the moment I told him I was a survivor; he thought it was something that meant I was ill, or damaged, or sick. I know these things are tough on the people we love, so I gave it as much time as he needed, but the Nick I knew never came back. He started to get really violent, and hit me, and keep me from going out with other people, my friends, because he said I was not well. But for whatever reason I still loved him even when he hurt me.

Why should I...?

Yesterday I finally made the appointment and went back to see my counselor to talk about everything that has been going on lately with me and with the man who hurt me. I had not been very thrilled with the thought of going back to counseling to be honest. I do like my counselor a lot, and she has been a great help in this whole thing, but opening up to someone after so many years of this all being a huge huge secret, sometimes just gets way too big for me. But at the same time, when I walk out of her office at the end of the session, I feel like I am leaving a little part of the hurt behind, which I never have to talk about again unless I want to, and I guess it's that feeling which makes me go back.

The calm before the storm

It has been such a long time since I could go to bed feeling so safe, that now that I have that security, that knowledge that I am safe, I don’t know what to do with it. How, after all that time do I just close my eyes and know no one will be waiting for me to do so. For me to be so stupid, so lazy in protecting myself, closing both of my eyes and letting my guard down for even a second, feels not only luxurious, but also very very dangerous. I trained myself to be constantly aware of what is going on around me at all times of the day and night. I hear every little noise, I hear the sea, I hear car doors shutting quietly, I hear the wind pick up ever so slightly and each time it does, I look toward my bedroom door.

It may not be paradise but it has got to be close!

I am very pleased to write that yesterday I finally made the move into my new home! I can't describe how nice it was to wake up this morning and realise that first of all I could not hear yelling and screaming, I was not expected to get up to make everyone breakfast, and I was waking up, which meant I actually slept for more than an hour and without any nightmares at all!

To feel safe again, after so many nights of fearing to close my eyes, to allow myself to fall asleep because I could not trust that the people I lived with would not let danger walk through the door and welcome him into my room, to feel safe again was a truely amazing feeling.

Survivors support groups: my concerns.

Those of you who know me know that I am a survivor of long term sexual abuse. But for those that do not, I was abused from childhood until just recently by a good friend of my family. For years I was numb about it all, and not willing to deal with it at all. I finally did get myself together enough to get into counselling not too long ago, and was able to work up the courage to go to the police and report this man.

Now that it is over, and I have been through that, it has not all left my mind like I had hoped it would. Stupidly, I was hoping that I would wake up the next day and feel that huge weight lift off of my heart and no longer have to deal with the images that have been in my mind since the first time he hurt me. I was wrong. In fact, since it all stopped I feel like the images have been much clearer and I have been having flash backs much more frequently. And, to be honest I am just not dealing with that well, particularly not at night time, when I have anxiety attacks and can’t sleep at all because I feel like he is watching me again.

Morning thoughts

I must admit, that I after a reasonably unpleasant day yesterday and an equally unpleasant sleepless night, I am feeing a little lost this morning. But I wanted to jump in here and say hello first off! And share a few of my thoughts with you this morning.

It occurred to me this morning, that the littlest things mean the most to you, when most of your power is taken from you each day. Laying in bed this morning thinking "hmmmm should I stay here and try to fall asleep again, or just get up and make coffee already?" may well be the nicest decision I have to make all day, because it’s MINE.

Syndicate content