I just want to be normal!!!

I just hate that I feel such horrible emotions about myself. My blogs hardly make sense to me, but I know that emptying myself onto these pages is healing me.

Honored. I am honored you feel enough trust to post this.

No, it's not fun to look at for you (also a survivor of abuses, I get that) and obviously not for anyone with any compassion or care for other beings. I have to tell you, I've been writing visibly and publicly about many things, including my life, for years, and girl, I'm not sure I have EVER been this brave, and when I have, I've cloaked a lot of it in symbolic language, in some of the tools poetry gives us to sure, say what we're saying, and say it strong, but with a little more insulation.

And I hear you: triggers SUCK. Big time. They disrupt everything, even things in which they have absolutely no place. Even moments of joy and it is an invasion, a continued robbery of the safety in the daily moments of our lives to which we all should be entitled.

But SO important to speak it if you can, SO brave, and I agree...it can be SO healing, especially in safe space.

I have some books I'd be happy to loan you via mail, Jennifer, which I think might be a help, a comfort, good tools for healing, communion. All that. I'll ping you about it.

I don't even know what to say, except I am grateful you posted this. Reading this has been eye-opening...making me look at sexual abuse in a new way. Thank you. I hope you continue to work through these issues...and in whatever way we can, this community will be here for you when/if you need it.

Jenn,

No, you should never ever feel bad about posting this. On the contrary, what you did is -like Heather pointed out- honourable.

(hug)

Jess.

that I feel so bad about something that I couldn't control. Reading your comments makes me feel better but all I ever wanted was someone in my family to tell me that it was okay. That it wasn’t my fault, or at least try to figure out what was behind it.

I especially wanted validation from my mother when I was younger, before she left. But I was always a hassle... even to my step-mother. When I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents, I was suprised to find out that his half brother (from another mother) had wet beds as an older child too; of course I couldn't tell my mother-in-law. She constantly complained of him, saying things like "I couldn't stand him; he peed on my couches." Coming from a Long Term Care Nurse, I was shocked and torn. There's more to their story, but here was another mother that couldn't validate my own (or his own) discomfort and embarrassment.

It's something that I still deal with to this day. I only hope that one time I could muster up my courage and tell her that I suffer from the embarrassment too and I don't appreciate her comments. But I can't.

I can't wait to become a foster mother. To get the oppurtunity to work with children in similar situations. To love them and know that I am helping them build their confidence and self-esteem. To work through issues with them, like bed wetting and self mutalation, instead of just covering it up with a rug, or like my father said, "that's right, sex = love." (which is total bullshit by the way.)

Jennifer PLEASE continue to be as honest as you are and don't let the voices that make you cringe or flinch at your honesty on the page--don't let them win or make the decisions. It is SO invaluable, such a true force for good, for change, for healing --your sharing your heart/mind/life. I know you know this but just encouraging you (and myself in the process).

My Dad blamed me for getting sexually abused -- I know how it feels to be dying for validation, dying to be told you are worth a shit, and....just all this horrible stuff, these feelings of self hatred. I wanted to be anything else as a kid and even into my 20s. I couldn't deal w/my feelings, wanting to crawl out of myself. You are strong and awesome to be actively seeking to confront and heal yourself. And your 're helping others in the process. Some of the other bloggers have written some deep healing words/lifestories too. And I am learning we really can tell ourselves these true things. And actually really truly start believing these things we tell ourselves. So eventually we maybe don't even need anyone else to tell us.

Thank you a million times for posting this, and as many hugs back to you as well.

As another Jennifer who knows all too well that "Once you are sexualized as a child and your body is overly stimulated, there’s no getting back your innocence", please also know that healing is a process, and a difficult one at that, but it DOES happen, and will continue to happen for you.

In re: bedwetting and other post-traumatic responses, you might also be interested in Susan Brison's Aftermath was really powerful and helpful for me.

Re-reading this makes me cry, knowing that I am so safe. I love that I can be vulnerable. I am so sick and tired of having to put up my wall so that I don't get hurt. I've always been emotionally available for others, but never told others the pain that I was/ am going through.

Big, Big Hugs to you, hun. Honesty, even if reading over it again later makes you cringe, is such an important part of healing. We're here to listen and support you. You can say whatever you need to.

I want to be a normal kid.

I don't want to say much, but I'd like to tell you this; diss those feelings that make you hesitate, and be a rebel. ;D

You are not alone in this, lots of us understand and don't ever feel bad for sharing with us. I admire your strength and courage so much, and it gives me hope. I hope things are going okay for you right now, if you ever need an ear, Im always around, drop me a note. Take care girl, we are proud of you.