Jill

I am fat. When I say this, I'm describing one particular aspect of myself. I am not criticizing or judging, nor am I inviting other people to do so or asking for assurances that I'm pretty. In my mind fat is a descriptor like any other. It is not a judgment.

I have a very active life. I skied almost every other day this winter, and had an eight hour ski patrol shift every Saturday. I walk everywhere it is practical to do so and some places it is not. My kayaking season started today and will last until it is too cold to do anything but look forward to skiing. My fat body can do all of these things as part of my routine.

With the exception of my books, I have a very modest media collection. I just don't spend that much time watching television and movies or listening to music. However, I am interested in women and supporting us in every way I can. So, given my commitment to women and feminism, how is it that my modest media collection is primarily composed of men's works?

I'm not trying to argue that men aren't worth watching, reading, listening to, or otherwise supporting; men do create some wonderful things, worth the investment of my time and money. I'll never be willingly separated from East of Eden, and my love of Tom Petty appears to be limitless, but how have men and their creations taken up so much more of my shelf space than women and our creations?

At Scarleteen I routinely hear from young women who are feeling insecure about their boyfriend's use of porn. For me, what stands out about these women is the pressure they feel to satisfy every one of their partners sexual needs. That pressure appears to be internal - their partners are described as quite comfortable with an independent sexuality, e.g. their use of porn and masturbation. I've always thought of these women as unnecessarily jealous, making a big deal out of something relatively minor. It's not like they were taking a feminist stand against porn -- they just didn't want their partners using it.

Just a short entry to note the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, former prime minister of Pakistan.

The first woman to be voted leader of a Muslim country, and one of the few female heads of state in general.

There's a lot to be said about Bhutto, her politics, and her leadership but for me the key fact is another strong, outspoken woman is gone.

Sunday I watched a woman rip down the hill on her snowboard. Last weekend she was easily the strongest female snowboarder out there, but while she is indeed awesome, there just isn't much competition. Sitting in the chairlift with one of the many skilled men that ride out there, I started to wonder just why more women don't ski or snowboard.

Later that night I came here and read Joey's post in the forums:

And this is really a pattern with me, too. For as far as I can think back, I've had at least one really close guy friend, and more often than not, I was closer with that guy than I was with any of my girl friends. It's really only been very recently that I've formed really strong bonds with female friends.

So, I'd like to talk about my job a little bit. I've been working at a domestic violence shelter for two weeks now, after nearly two months of being unemployed. Despite knowing going in that I'd have to get a second job because the pay is too low to cover my bills and that I wouldn't be receiving any benefits, I was incredibly excited when they hired me. Hopefully it goes without saying that I'm interested in working with women to help them improve their lives in any way I can.

After two weeks though, I'm not longer looking for a part-time job, I'm looking for a new one. I wanted to help empower women, to offer support as they made difficult transitions. Instead my responsibilities include reminding adult women that they are not allowed to eat in the living room and monitoring what time they get up in the morning. Nearly every one of my coworkers has compared this job to babysitting and that's exactly what it feels like.

I started working at a domestic violence shelter this week. I have a huge manual that I have to read and something I read today really stuck out: We shouldn't be asking why women stay in abusive relationships. Instead, we should be asking why men are abusive in the first place.

The fact that I had to have it spelled out for me tells me that blaming the victim is pretty damn common in our society. Obviously it's not the survivor's fault she was abused in the first place -- it's her abuser's. Abusing another person is always a choice and there's no one to blame for that but the person making that choice.