Laura

Woah, When was the last time I stopped by?

Fired!

Anyway. Ended up moving in with an ex boyfriend turned roomate. Bad situation which I do not recomend. He was never even home at that. So I had the place mostly to myself.

Ladies. I cannot stress this enough. Every time someone tells you a story. (In this case about some insane violent tenancies) If during said story you think to yourself, "Man, I hope that never turns out to be me." Chances are that is your inner voice tell you to get the frick out.

So having a threat made on my life for no apparent reason by a man who's clearly off his rocker and I never really even wanted to date in the first place I got the heck out of there. I am now living with a butch lesbian who's so awesome I don't want her to move away when she might. Not having a terrible living situation is kind of new to me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself.

I really need to stop reading the opinion section on the way home, its infuriating. This article in particular was crying that there is a sex offender "hysteria" in our country and that people just need to relax. Granted, I agreed with him that satellite tracking was probably in the realm of overkill for most offenders. I cannot agree with him that prohibiting sex offenders from living near our schools, or requiring them to register their location is unnecessary. I cannot agree that these steps are unnecessary because they are in his words "inconvenient".

I think that as a victim of sexual assault I should have the right to know that my next door neighbor was convicted of a violent sex crime. I think the choice should be given to me as to whether or not I want to live next door to him.

A few days ago my friend told me a story about her friend with epilepsy. Apparently a male "friend" of hers took advantage of her while she was under the influence of one of her heavier anti-seizure medications. She's trying to take the case to court, and has been in and out of hospitals ever since the traumatic event. A local judge is trying to throw the case out because he feels like she "Didn't do enough to stop him". Apparently screaming and telling your attacker to stop isn't enough to the legal system around here.

This morning I unfurled our local newspaper and spotted the headline somewhere under the main article detailing this towns version of American Idol.

I gave up.

I threw my hands up and walked out.

I miss the cafeteria, the warm womens center, the library, and the teachers but you know what I don't miss? I don't miss the red tape.

I just came to the reality that no matter how much I want to go to school - I can't.

I was faced with a decision, so I made it in order to keep myself safe. I'm getting a second job, and hopefully its not waitressing as well because my wrists have been so sore lately I'm scared to death of carpel tunnel. So the plan is - get out of debt... keep a roof over my head... thats the plan anyway. I'm going to make another attempt to move out to Las Vegas where my sister is but I'm a bit scared about it. I don't know if someone with my kind of history can keep out of trouble there, I sure will try. They've got a good college for when I make another crack at it.

I didn't grow up without privileges. I never worried about whether or not there was enough good food to eat, or if the rent was past due, or collection notices in the mail. I always had clothes that fit, and a ride in the decent car my parents owned on the way to church.

These were all things that I took for granted. In my teenage years I remember wanting to leave the house so bad. I felt as though religious intolerance, and no freedom in my expressions had to be the worst prison to live in.

I was rather incorrect.

So how did I get where I am today? My parents were not rich but they had a decent house even if it was in bankruptcy...

I've told myself so many times that I simply cannot be in a relationship with another man again. I've seen too many things, and experienced too many hardships at the hands of them to ever be trusting. I don't know if I believe in love at this point, I certainly have not ever witnessed fidelity.

Then there is the matter of me. Say I do meet this person, and things are going well. I have to tell him... you know... don't I?

My friend told me that I don't have to mention it. My work as an escort is "a thing of the past..." and not really anyones business unless I let it be.

I think that would be terribly dishonest of me.

Perhaps some of you have seen this article in reference to the women of Japan as baby making machines. (Can you see the angry vein popping out of my forehead?) Perhaps a little background information is required here. Japan is experienced a declining birth rate. This means that the percentage of aging folks in relation to younger tax payers is skewing in a rather non economical way. I figure, that if young couples in Japan are barely even able to afford to live together thanks to the current economy what is going to make them want to have children - never mind several?

Okay, so...

In all of the time I've put into this...business... I will say, I've had the following experience. Us workers, are afraid of each other. Scared! I can't say I have ever held a conversation with any of the other girls working in my area and I have WANTED TO for so long. If any other person should understand the trials of what I'm going through, it would be these girls - right? However, the legal climate of the escort business is that we are all walking a very thin line and it seems that in keeping to ourselves we are shielding ourselves from whatever may happen in the local community.

I'm not dead yet, last time I checked anyway. I'm still without the whole internet thing. I'm a homeless nerd and that... can be boring sometimes. Other than that I have been doing fairly well I would say. However, I did come to the point where I got that whole "trapped in my job/not going anywhere/not making enough money" wall to ram my head into repeatdly. So I've gone back to working as an escort.

I feel like this whole weight has been lifted off of my shoulders because when I go to work and I am overstressed and loaded and everything I feel like it doesn't matter so much because I am only there because I choose to be. I've always wanted to be in the beleif that money doesn't matter and that with little one could be very happy, but I just havn't been feeling that way lately. I'm ready to get this show on the road already...I'm turning 21 next week.

It feels like it's been so much more than a year since I got divorced. The milestone passed a few days ago - silently. Thankfully so. I still wear his wedding band on a chain around my neck underneath my shirt - perhaps not so much because I miss him but to remind me of where I have been... though I do miss him still. I don't know why I feel kindly towards him, but I do.

As a goth, Halloween is comming - and usually that is the cause for much excitement. Halloween also happened to have been my wedding anniversary though, and it was but a few days after that I had lost the baby - so its kind of a sad time for me now. I'll try not to think about it, for the most part that has been the answer. Just ignore it.

My mom found me through myspace and sent me a letter. If you remember, we havn't spoken in at least 6 years and she was kind of absent before then anyway.

So here goes nothing.

She says she wants to get to know my sister and I, to be a part of our lives again. She's turning over a new leaf in her life and getting her act together.

Maybe I should smile a lot, or maybe I should cry...but I just feel kind of blank. Perhaps I'm afraid, so I guard myself.

This is such a big thing...

I don't really know what else to say.

I have a new friend, and we like to out and watch movies all of the time now. Its great. When I went to her house though I made a discover of sorts. Her bathroom...her bedroom...were completely covered wall to wall in photo's from fashion magazines. I knew she'd been dropping weight lately like you wouldnt beleive, she was even kind enough to give me some of her old clothes that don't fit her anymore. However, I've been through all the eating problems...and when I saw something like that it just clicked in my head - I knew what it was for.

I know I should say something, but I don't know how to say it. "Hey, you can stop acting this way and gain all sorts of weight and be abandoned by the people who you love the most." I doubt that is going to promote anything healthy. I think back to my own trial with the subject, all of the pain I constantly put myself through. The girls I used to compete with to see who could go the longest without eating, or who could lose the most weight the fastest. I remember turning on the shower so my family wouldn't hear my throwing up. I remember excercising for hours before bed each night, and running in the dark. (Though by that time I figured - what the hell is anyone going to do to me that I havn't lived through before?). I remember constantly staring into the fridge wanting to eat something, but wanting not too so much more.

My husband left me because I was too fat. I guess it doesn't matter that when I first dated him I was thin, and he wasn't and that never mattered to me... but people can be like that. I know, it used to be so easy to get help at the grocery store. People went out of the way to be nice to you, friends came more easily because you looked "cool" and they would often be the ones to strike up the conversation.

Things were different after I gained all that weight. Friends dissapeared when things got bad all the more quickly, boyfriends got more sparse, people ignore me at the grocery store when I ask for help...I'm just a bother to them now it seems.

Well, yesterday I was at work. I have no idea what got into me except perhaps I was grumpy. Excuses, Excuses - I know. We have a hostess, and I really do like her. She's not the most talented resteraunt personel I have ever met but I think she is adorable and she is super nice and laughs at my shabby jokes.

I heard she had gone home for the day, and working without a hostess can be no fun at all sometimes. Its hard enough to keep up with my tables without seating, and cashing out customers on top of that as well. On top of that we had our area manager coming down and I was really nervous about his being there. So I don't know what but the reason for her going home (she was too emotionally upset to work) seemed to irk me. I was making sarcastic remarks in the vein of lazyness that I am not very proud of today.

Today I woke up, and it was around 10 I beleive.

Got into some rather tense discussions with my grandmother. We have to repeat the same arguments at least twice if it wasn't the answer she wanted. She wanted me to move out a day early, which wasn't possible but I was supposed to have these psychic revelations about her making plans after knowing the day I was moving three weeks in advance. I'd just move by myself...if I could fit the boxes in my car. My car is the size of a jellybean - with only one operable door. Grandpa just kind of shook his head.

Went into work, ate something on the cheap and tried to talk to my coworker/new landlordlady while she was running around to work this all out. Decided that it was just going to have to wait until tommorow no matter how crazy my grandmother was going to get about me moving on the day I said I would.