Shaping my identity
As I grow up, I look back at pictures and memories of my childhood, and reconcile them with the knowledge I am learning as I mature. I have learned that my mother is not a saint, though she refuses to give up hope that I will view her that way. My nana is a generous woman in need of forgiveness and friendship. My father was living in a world of lies throughout my childhood and has matured into a man I'm proud of.
But most of all, I'm learning that my family is screwed up, which is completely normal.
Every few weeks I learn something new about my family, and I have to incorporate it into who I am. The more I learn about my family, the more I feel I was destined to become the person I am, even though I feel like a disappointment to my mother. She was raised a hippie, as I was, but she has drifted so far from her roots and my nana's teachings that I don't think she knows how to listen to trees anymore. She says 'it was just a phase,' but I think I am who I am because she (at one point in her life) thought it would be important to fill me with feminist, environmentalist values. And now she's disappointed that I don't have a five year plan (which I do, it just changes about every three months).
I have begun to shape my family, which I never knew could or would happen. I have got back in touch with my dad, who is always supportive of me and my life decisions. And I've started hanging out with my nana more. She tells me the truth about our family, the hillbilly, ornery, kind hearted folks I didn't get to grow up around, but turned out like anyway.
And I guess I'm torn in so many directions, and all the while I'm learning how to stay true to myself and take pride in who I am, but it's not always easy.