life

Hey all,

Excuse the short sabbatical. My mental health has not been fantastic, which unfortunatly has meant a few hospital over nighter's. One thing I have noticed when I am really not feeling like myself is that other peoples realities seem to jump out at you a whole lot clearer. Which makes for not only some interestingly sleepless nights but for a lot of summarising of what exactly I want/do not ever want in my life. So without further rambling, here is that list:

I DO want:
-To live in a place where i am safe and secure (at least most of the time)

As I grow up, I look back at pictures and memories of my childhood, and reconcile them with the knowledge I am learning as I mature. I have learned that my mother is not a saint, though she refuses to give up hope that I will view her that way. My nana is a generous woman in need of forgiveness and friendship. My father was living in a world of lies throughout my childhood and has matured into a man I'm proud of.

But most of all, I'm learning that my family is screwed up, which is completely normal.

Every few weeks I learn something new about my family, and I have to incorporate it into who I am. The more I learn about my family, the more I feel I was destined to become the person I am, even though I feel like a disappointment to my mother. She was raised a hippie, as I was, but she has drifted so far from her roots and my nana's teachings that I don't think she knows how to listen to trees anymore. She says 'it was just a phase,' but I think I am who I am because she (at one point in her life) thought it would be important to fill me with feminist, environmentalist values. And now she's disappointed that I don't have a five year plan (which I do, it just changes about every three months).

A copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" showed up on the bookshelf where I work this week. Woo hoo!

I've been listening to female musicians in my car all week. Karen O of the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs makes me happy.

I saw an interview with Joan Baez. Amazing person with an amazing sense of the power of her voice and words.

I've also been frustrated over the whole health care debate. If the world ever needed feminism it is now. Yet I feel like a true and honest conversation about the health care challenges women are facing are being ignored.

The same old sexist standpoint is being taken. The same reason why women should not have access to abortion is being now used to defend pregnant women not have access to prenatal care. Women, should plan pregnancy or be responsible for the consequences they should not expect a "hand out" from the government. It is very easy for people who have great health insurance to ignore those without or people who have insurance with high deductibles that don't cover things like prenatal appointments or women who lost their insurance coverage when their husbands lost their jobs. Or women who became pregnant because hormonal birth control was not paid for through their insurance company. Or the women who became pregnant because their doctors refused to give them an IUD or sterilization surgery because the woman was too young, did not have previous children or whatever sexist excuse they could come up with.

Today is the first day of my new course. I have decided to study to be a nurse; I have decided that New Zealand really is not the place for me. I have family here, friends here, but I miss the brand new life which I carefully sculpted, spent a year doing so, a brand new family full of people who I adore as though we all have the same blood running through our veins, a happy life in Canada. I miss my life there, so much that at times since I have been back in New Zealand, I feel as though maybe I left my voice at Vancouver airport and I don’t know how to get it back without returning.

Upon returning I also discovered something about myself which I don’t think I ever would have if I had not escaped my life here for that whole year, if I had not had that year of safety. And that is that I am capable of changing my own life no matter what or who is standing right in the middle of my path. I was a feminist before I left New Zealand, I have read the books, I had very strong feelings and thoughts and opinions on such things, but I feel that now that I have really used my own strength as a woman to stand up and say enough. Walk out on everything I had ever known because I am better than that, I really truly understand what Feminism means to me, what it is.

"Your feet may leave home, but your heart never will." That was the theme of this year's graduation at my high school-- the graduation I was supposed to be taking part in but wasn't allowed because one of my parents refused to allow me to graduate early.

But not being allowed to graduate doesn't stop me from going to the commencement ceremony and seeing all of my friends, some old and some new, enter a new phase in their lives, some of them leaving forever.

My friends Steph and Brandon, as well as my infamous ex TJ, are all leaving for the military extremely soon. TJ leaves in September, Steph with him, for the Air Force training base in Texas. Brandon gets shipped out in less than a month for Marine Corps basic training. He enlisted as active, so as soon as he's done, they're shipping him out to parts unknown, ready to be used as a pawn and most likely die for a tumultuous and hypocritical cause.

*This was too long to fit into a response comment.

"It sounds like you have a lot of stressful things all happening at once. Are you getting any support anywhere? I think a strong support system is indispensable but you said you were having problems both at home and at school. Do you have anywhere you can go even to relax and be your wonderfully individual self for a few hours?"- Jill

That's one of my problems, finding somewhere to be where I can just BE. At home, it's "Do this, do that. Don't do what you want, do what I tell you that will keep you busy all night." It doesn't seem to matter that I have homework, or that I have to work. I recently started a part time job, and I need another one to pay to get to and from school and work. Two jobs on top of a full day at school, college courses next semester, National Honor Society, a honors club at my school, and Academic Quiz Team (which takes up three afternoons a week) I don't have time to relax when I actually am alone at home. The only times I have really relaxed in the past month I can count on one hand.

I feel like I have disappeared from the world recently. I started my junior year in high school a month and a half ago. It's been at least that long since I've posted anything, except for the blog I deleted at the end of August. Simply speaking, life's been hell.

I'm not used to not getting good grades. And now that I'm struggling to get things done in several of my classes, I'm feeling extremely stressed out.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a strange case of bipolar disorder. I'm not manic-depressive per se, but one day I'll be so tense and high strung that I'm on the verge of tears all day... even if nothing has happened. And then other days, even when my life seems to falling down around me, I'm as cool as a cucumber, though slightly less edible. It's strange, but it's happening. I don't understand it. I know it's probably just stress, nerves, puberty, whatever, but it's still disconcerting. It's no fun.

I was doing an experiment on cleavage a couple days ago; I put cleavage on my page, to see how much attention I could get. Of course, I got a lot. Friend requests, picture comments, e-mails, etc, and they were all from guys, 15-18.

Before I put it up on the internet I talked to a couple of my friends about it, Katie thought it was a stupid idea even if it was just for All Girl Army, Lisa, Lynn, Brittany, Lindsay and Tonya thought the same, but I did it anyway.

“They only want one thing,” my friend said to me, “’sex’”, she referred to the guy’s commenting and friend requesting me. They didn’t want to be my friend because of my personality or anything—they wanted my body only. That’s all.

I realize I haven't posted many blogs here lately on political or social issues. I apologize for that. I really do have ideas, and every so often I find the time to jot them down on a piece of paper (which I always seem to promptly lose), but I've just been so busy lately that I can't even get a word in edgewise in my own thoughts.

If I sat down and listed everything that I've been doing that's kept me so busy you wouldn't understand why it's keeping me so busy, at least not every moment of free time that I have.

In between everything I have to do and trying to catch up on some desperately needed sleep that work has deprived me of, cleaning the house that I haven't been present in long enough to make a mess, trying to get in a balanced meal in between cleaning and work and other menial tasks assigned by the parental units I have been using my free time to RELAX. And when I say relax I mean I try not to think of anything that requires an immense amount of brain power. And since I'm having laptop problems and finding internet access off of it hard to locate I can't really write down what I'm thinking when I think of it.

I've been really stressed out lately. I had to withdraw from my chemistry class at Edison State Comm. College a few days ago. I was barely pulling a D. I worked so hard the past few weeks, harder than I've ever worked on any other subject, and I can't get the grade up. Rather than lower my 3.9 at the high school, I withdrew from the class. I now have to pay the schooll almost $5oo in fees and for my $133 chem text. I just haven't had the time or energy to post, but I'll get on again as soon as possible.
Love-

Sometimes I wish we were all back in preschool, in kindergarten again. Back when Sex and Gender made no difference. Where we could play tag with the boys and not worry about penises and vaginas, and about the stereotypes that come with them. We could giggle behind the teacher's back and be equals, be friends, no matter male, female. We were for the most part androgynous in our beliefs. We had been taught certain things, the way little girls should act, the way little boys shouldn't cry. But we were together, and nothing we had been taught got in the way of our friendships with those kids of opposite Sex or Gender.

Well first, I am really sorry. I know that I have not been on, but, well let's just say that I have been dealing with some really horribal stuff. You see, I have been seeing a cousoler for almost a year, twice a month. And my dad found out when my mom had to do her witness list for court. And I sighned a limited release for her to talk to him, but only about his recomendations and diagnosis. But apprently thats not enought for her. She wants a unlimited release so she can get EVERYTHING. I have went thru this before and she told my dad and i refuse to sit there and have my dad scream and yell at me.

I'm sorry for not getting on nearly as much as I would like. It seems like every single spare moment I've had over the past few months has been sucked up by something else. Maybe I should start at the beginning. I'm not trying to excuse my behavior, just trying to get by. September was obviously the last time I posted. Since then Life has been more difficult. September itself was okay, and it has been a lot easier since then. October was where some of the problems started. I don't know if any of you know, but I'm a sophomore in high school, but I attend a community college in my area, where I earn college and high school credit. I was enrolled in Intro to Chem 111 for the fall semester, as well as Intro to Sociology 121. It's obviously not fall semester anymore. As we speak I'm working on some homework for my Marriage and Family Relations class. But my grades started dropping. I was having a lot of difficulty in my Chemistry class, and the one person Ii knew in the class (who was also my lab partner) did not know anything about what we were doing. Even though I was struggling, I was tutoring her at the same time. Which took up a lot of energy and time that I didn't really have. I still had several papers to write, and a term paper for Chemistry, and still had to find time to tutor Meridith*, attend Quiz Team practices and three hour competitions at my high school, work out family issues at home and do chores, do my mountain of homework you can only fully appreciate as a college student, AND try to be an attentive friend. I was having a hard time. You see, to be eligible for the Post-Secondary Enrollment Option Program (PSEOP) at my high school, if I earn a C or worse in any of my college courses I am not allowed to take courses through the program any longer. So I spent every moment I had trying to struggle through that class, barely scraping a B. My life took a downhill roll after that. In late October I made some mistakes that ended up having monetary and emotional compensations. I lost many privelages, including computer access. Until almost December. Then Christmas came around, and you know how things get around Christmas and the holidays. Even though my semster was over and school was out on break, things were even more hectic. My sisters came home from North Carolina, Cori and Kristie, and Candace was moving. Justin came up with my pseudo-niece Haley, and James... Well. I had to spend a lot of time with him. Which was extremely difficult for me to do. Imagine being forced to sit next to someone who youve known your whole life and who your parents know sexually abused you for many years. It was emotionally atxing. I had several breakdowns those few months that only my boyfriend knew about, and had contemplated suicide when things got really difficult. Not many of you know that I deal with depression, and that I also dealt with self-mutilation for many years. Things were hard. But I tried to do my best. After New Year's everything got easier. I had invited one of my friends over, and us and my family -being lesbian, proud, and half drunk- decided to drag out all the club music we could find and have a dance party. It was great. Katie* and I didn't ge to sleep until almost five in the morning. And of course, being teenagers, we woke up after only a few hours. We got up at like nine or something to take Katie home. There are so many things that have ben runnign through my mind since then, and I'm making a promise to you all that I will do my best to try and post at least once or twice a week. Sometimes I really don't have much to say, or am too exhausted with everything going on right now with my classes, but I will do my best. I promise. So I'm sorry I haven't really been around, but I will do my best to make it up to you.

This is my first blog here and i'm really excited for the opportunity to be apart of AGA.

When I found out I was going to be a blogger here I started contemplating what I should write about first, so I figured the best thing is for me to dig into who I am right now and when I realized I was feminist. I’m warning you right now this is a long post because honestly it’s hard to describe who I am in a short sentence, mainly because I’m a rambler. So my apologies right now for how long it is and I promise the next blog wont be like this. Anyway were going to commute around my life growing up to where my life is now and what issues are affecting me now and what type of activism I do. So buckle up, and close your eyes cause here comes my life story. (Don’t really close your eyes, because then you couldn’t read this unless you had some insane power that allowed you to read with your eyes closed or could read brail on the keyboard and if so that’s insanely rad.)

So, I've been trying to avoid saying anything anywhere until I know it's serious. Well, as of today-as of four hours ago, to be precise-I know it is. For just over a week now (maybe too early to tell sometimes, but this isn't one of those times) I've been going out with someone who was a very close friend beforehand.

The transition from friends to more than that was smooth, and I really love spending time with him. He's a great guy, incredibly nice, and every moment is a joy. We do spend a lot of time together, and I'm beginning to feel like an idiot-I think I fell in love. *Headdesk*

Bad timing for me, but then love always comes when it's least wanted, right? I'm making time for it, at least, but not letting it control my life. No guy is worth giving dreams up for (or concerts!) as far as I'm concerned. It's a bit odd, but he has similar dreams for the future as I do, which is pretty cool.